Splintered Grace 💠

Just Us Squirrels

September 02, 2021 Bonnie Violet & Tina Frank
Splintered Grace 💠
Just Us Squirrels
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Show Notes Transcript

Just Us Squirrels, what are these two gonna bring to the table today. Who really knows, I am not sure. Join us! Bring your questions, topics and the like, be a part of this conversation. Do you have a relationship you are challenged to keep?

This season we push the depths of our relationship even further. Tackling the difficult conversations that we fear may separate us.

Tina, a conservative christian woman and Bonnie Violet, a trans gender queer drag queen have an anti-cancel culture conversation. While many family members are choosing to no longer speak, we have chosen to sit at the table and engage in difficult conversation to find peace and restoration.

To learn more about Splintered Grace go to https://linktr.ee/aqueerchaplain

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a queer chaplain 
Helping to lace one’s narrative with a spiritual thread.

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a queer chaplain 
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0:06
[Music] is [Music]
0:22
[Music]
0:39
hello hey everybody hi everyone uh bonnie violet here i am a
0:45
transgender queer spiritual digital drag artist digital chaplain
0:50
person i think i got them all in there yeah that's a mouthful and this is my
0:56
co-host hey everybody i'm tina frank and thank goodness i don't have all those long introductions but i am a mature
1:04
christian woman and i'm just so excited to be a part of this conversation thanks for joining us tonight yes thanks for
1:10
joining us i know i was like she's just i just like throw more words in front of there i don't even know what i was
1:16
saying like i think i got all the words out but i got them out in the order i don't think
1:21
i've ever said them before they still made sense i think i think we got the gist of it right right right
1:28
honey i always have my labels i always think okay this is what i'm gonna say when it's my turn and then i'm like just
1:35
before i'm gonna say it it's like blank it's like okay i'm just gonna say whatever comes up you're like oh it was
1:41
so good too the way i practiced it it was on point
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yes yes yes thank goodness you guys know that we're not perfect right we're all just here hanging out
1:53
yeah if you're looking for perfection you came across the wrong podcast
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exactly right right exactly right so how have you been what's been going
2:04
on with you since the last time i saw you or talked with you oh you know what i've been good um i did actually get to
2:10
go kayaking last weekend and i did not tip over just for this nice yeah it was a great time i hadn't been
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in a kayak i don't think since i've been a long time it was so fun i had a great
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time um i got to have my own kayak which is nice because i think last time having a partner in my kayak was more of a
2:30
challenge than to help i could only imagine but we had a great time we we went all
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around the lake spent two or three hours out there the weather was perfect i couldn't ask for better food i'm
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actually um considering getting another trip on the calendar before it gets too cold here in arizona
2:47
nice well when's too cold january i know it's just it's not so much about the air
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as it is the water so the water will get a little cold but yeah so it was it was so much fun and i did get to go in to
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higher elevation so the weather wasn't quite as humid and hot so that was it was a nice break so that's why that's
3:06
the the highlight of my week well that sounds like a great time and you didn't get sun burnt or anything nope i was i
3:13
was very smart the folks that took us out gave me some good tips that i chose to follow
3:18
and uh yeah i did it's so funny i did get a sunburn on the back of my hands so random i've never had a sunburn on the
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back of my hands um the good news it wasn't horrible so it went away after a couple days but
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i'm like are you throwing me a little shade there because last week i came on and i was like well
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i was sunburned in so many different places i wasn't trying to throw you into shape
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right it was more than just like the back of my hands
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and how's your sunburn doing this week no no sunburns i traded in the sunburns for
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uh bug the mosquito bites all over my legs oh i know i'm sorry oh it's all
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good it's you know it's uh i guess it's just uh it's an aesthetic it's a choice i guess
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but i thank goodness for cortisone cream oh my goodness no kidding yeah no
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and that makes your skin pink um no it doesn't it's um yeah it's just like kind of clear-ish a
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little bit but um for folks who have joined us say hello i see that there are like five
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people here so i don't know if you know that we can see that but we can we don't know who you are
4:31
but we'd love to hear you say hello um yeah all that fun stuff and we could talk at each other all the time
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like nobody's listening but uh it's nice to nice to hear from you all when we can i am in dc
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well i'm actually like 30 minutes outside of dc i'm actually kind of in the woods
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so you're in two weeks in the woods first weekend i want to say maryland
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that's not right yeah it was in maryland it was swanton yes
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which is a lake and then now we're in now i'm in um owings which is also in maryland
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maryland but it's closer to dc than baltimore oh wow i shouldn't have called out those people
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they all left that's okay we'll just have to have a
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conversation all right right well what else is going on with you i
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know we were um we're just going to be just as squirrels today just yeah just chit chatting and chat chattering
5:34
you know again we're in a season here we're just kind of getting ready to shift you know it is fall i had
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my first pumpkin spice beverage right you don't like pumpkin spice no i heard
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somebody say fall yesterday on that on like npr and i was like it's not fall shut up you know that's
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what my husband said it's not fall i'm like but i i'm having pumpkin it's fall no i mean i love fall too it's like i
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think fall is my favorite season but yeah i was just like i'm not ready oh
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i'm always ready for fall so so anyway we don't have much going on here except the garden
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for us during this time it's all about getting the garden ready to go so that's what i've been working on this week since i've been back from kayaking yes
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because you're just getting the seats in the ground now yeah you know you have to do all the digging first so i've done the digging
6:27
and the moving and the planning and so now it's just um putting the seeds in the ground i think that's what we're going to be doing this weekend
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so that'll be pretty exciting for at least for me to watch them all pop up i've never been really a gardener
6:39
and so even my ill attempts at gardening over the summer i'm excited to get a fall harvest
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i can't wait to get pictures yes and here really share pictures share how your little ones are coming along
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yes so yeah you definitely will i'm very excited when i say dan's just as excited as i am though
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though too so uh it's definitely something we can do together yeah yeah yeah um
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i was uh i i've been uh you know like this journey that i've been on you know i feel like it is kind of a bit of a
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spiritual i feel i don't know it's like everything to me is kind of a spiritual experience anymore but
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um i kind of made this decision to you know travel around and i guess see what
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happens and you know like a lot of things you come to um learn
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or experience things i hadn't didn't expect to but i'm really grateful for like the
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perception change and um and that sort of thing and so i think it's been really interesting for me to
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i've been feel i felt really cared for in a lot of ways one that i was able to secure some of
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like the the resources i need outside of like people being kind and generous to me you know like i've been able to kind
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of like keep my medications in line and my medical care and my um taking care of
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my housing that i left back home you know and all that sort of stuff and it's just been
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uh there'd be lots of opportunity for me to feel really unsettled or vulnerable
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or insecure or whatever and thankfully i haven't really found myself in that spot
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yet which is nice and i feel like that's part of his like me just trusting
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you know oh for sure it is for sure it is i can't imagine though how challenging this transition i mean
8:32
but i think you're in a constant transition right now right going from place to place
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yeah i mean transition on some on so many levels um for sure yeah um yeah and there's
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like there's parts of it that's really easy um and and most of it really is you know it's like all of the challenge stuff are
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it's usually what's going on in my head but it's been really great for me to
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in some ways i address some of the fears
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um you know like take on some of the fears that i've had or
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coming to see where i've had where i've limited myself yeah um from an experience
9:13
that's that's incredible i've been praying that this journey would be something that would be very fulfilling
9:19
and then expand your potential and your purpose and the plans that you have
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so that's that's exciting i'm glad it's off to a good start yeah i think so far so good and trying
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to go ahead i was gonna say and your encounters with people i'm sure have been wonderful
9:35
yeah it's been really great it's been it's been an interesting kind of balance to like be present here
9:41
and with what's going on but also still trying to stay connected with uh like my family and my friends and
9:48
people that um that i really want to stay connected with and so um
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i think when i was in virginia it was very much more of kind of a vacation time and i was kind of more in vacay
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mode but now like this week i've been able to kind of like get back into a groove
10:04
start my regular therapy sessions um do a little bit i was doing some
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meditation when i was um on vacation but even like doing meditation now and
10:16
having my morning routine and uh you know those sorts of things has been kind of nice to pick up some of that and just
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trying to stay in contact with people even if it's just a text message or a phone call means i'm not you know
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going to be physically with like um with people as with the same people that i was that's
10:35
something i i'm really looking at how i can you know it's just interesting how you
10:40
it's like how you frame things i can choose yeah to um
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i don't know it's just how you know it's just what i want to choose to focus on and and uh
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yeah all right i'm i'm i'm a very much a
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morning routine person so that's really awesome that you're able to maintain your morning routine because
11:04
i know for me my morning routine is very much a part of my spiritual life and if i have to start my day sometimes
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without that or without planning for a different type of a start sometimes it gets me sideways by the end of the day
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yeah that's pretty pretty cool that you're able to kind of get back on track with that after your vacation and um
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yeah i think that'll be an amazing thing for you to experience in all these different um locations
11:31
you know in different different spaces so that's awesome yeah and go ahead what's up i was gonna say do you mind
11:37
sharing with us a little bit about what your routine is i mean i i think the big part of me is just being able to get up and spend a
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little bit of time with myself um it depends on the day but you know i think for me i do try to um
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you know take the time you know and i think that's the big thing it's not always that i do the exact thing every time
11:57
every day and part of that is i'm not because i might be somewhere different or you know my morning starts at a
12:03
different time um so but i usually try to be really intentional about what i do with like
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about my first hour of the day which usually might include if i'm not going to read something i'll at least
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listen some to music or listen to something i might even watch something that i might find
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just kind of you know gets me going with my day yeah it kind of gets my head in a good space um
12:28
and looking forward and i think one of the things i've always looked up to um
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one of the things i've always noticed with people who seem to live uh or have a spiritual connection that i've like
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aspire or i kind of think like oh i want some of that um i think those morning you know those
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morning rituals or morning things that folks do i think that's a common thing with people who
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are uh grounded and connected and things like that i think
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it's pretty common yeah i guess yeah i think i think that's
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awesome i think that's really awesome i say i struggle with well when my space changes my routine
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changes a little bit you know even last weekend when i was out and about i tried to
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kind of keep my routine but some of the things that i liked to use on my routine weren't available to me
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so it wasn't it was an adjustment but that's really really awesome i think uh i i don't know i think my routine
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grounds me also so that's okay yeah yeah there's always more right there's always more i could do or something
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different i could i feel like i could do to add to it but um
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it's feeling pretty good overall that's awesome that's awesome yeah are you are you um
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learning new ideas or new things about what a routine might look like based on your other folks that
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you're interacting with [Music]
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not necessarily yet i think specifically around that i think i think what's been
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really great is to have an opportunity you know i think a lot of the times um
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we i i've had a lot of opportunity to put into words um
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some of my experience and some of what's been different
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since say the last time i've interacted with the people that i'm connecting with you know like right now i'm staying with a good friend an old
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boss from chicago so um you know that was four years ago that we both lived in chicago together i've
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seen him a couple of times you know over the last four years but i'm just kind of thinking about like you
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know how what has happened in that time frame and how my perception and how
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how even i speak of myself i remember just um i remember being really like kind of um
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it's like i didn't have a lot of confidence um a few years ago i really um
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i couldn't tell you that i was talking with another person here who's a spiritual kind of you know person who's
15:05
trying to also do coaching very similar to me just a different vein of things and
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we were talking a little bit and he mentioned that idea of like well who am i um like who am i to
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to do this thing or who am i as in like whether what are my qualifications what
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are um what makes me worthy or blah blah blah you know that
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sort of stuff and so i feel like i lacked a lot of confidence in in who i am
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what my experience is and what i have to offer and what i don't have to offer i think i always
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kind of or i often felt like i had to kind of downgrade my ability
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either because i was insecure about it or also because i didn't have a lot of the credentialing
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that comes in the ways that people are used to um yeah hearing about and because i felt
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like i was um that was a shortcoming of mine or a weakness then i was just
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really insecure about it and so i was constantly kind of like bombarded by that because that's kind of
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what i was looking for you know and now i feel like i'm i can be really
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confident and comfortable with the idea like i know who i am and why not i
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you know why not i yeah yeah i think that's interesting yeah so it's been nice to kind of like
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not only like come to know that understand that for myself but then to experience it with other people it just takes it to
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like a whole nother level right and it just becomes that much more real
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and that much more of a reality of the reality that i actually live in
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rather than just this um reality that i've created in my mind
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that it's actually like it's actually put into practice um right
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because i think that's also one thing you know with um you know shelter in place and all that sort of stuff you
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know we've been i'm living in a lot more isolation and i haven't had as much practice to
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actually um be with people and um those sorts of things and it hasn't
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always been i've noticed like i i've just noticed where i am still
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i was just reminded of like some some things that are still maybe growing points or
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um responses i guess that i thought i was kind of over but i just hadn't had the opportunity to
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um to experience it and so i didn't really know what was going on anymore or not does that make
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sense it makes total sense to me it makes total sense to me but it's you know it's
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it's exciting to know that we're growing and we're becoming more purposeful and we're able to achieve some of the things
18:00
that we've dreamed about over time how much do you think the um morning i don't know routine or
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ritual or or preparation for your day affects that your your ability to be
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confident and to know who you are well i think that in combination with
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you know all the other things that i do in my life now and the people that i have in my life and the activities that
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i do so like the morning stuff is really helpful right because it's something that
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kind of can get me off to the right gif get me off into the right direction
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um but um i think it's just like a combination of things that kind of reinforce
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um then you know that just kind of reinforce that um so yeah
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so it's kind of a little bit of everything anymore isn't that the truth
18:54
yeah yeah well that's awesome that's that's exciting we've had some similar experiences it sounds like in some of
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the areas of our life as far as uh not feeling qualified or the credentials of the world requires of
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us to dwell and to work within certain areas of our lives
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so that's that's amazing yeah it's really interesting how that works too because i like i feel like a
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lot of my identity in some ways and a lot of the way that i see myself in the world is to
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be outside of the rules or outside of the norm or you know like there isn't a right way to say
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be a spiritual leader or to do this thing or that thing and yet
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there are times when i feel like i'm not doing it right which seems
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odd because if i don't believe there is a right way then why am i feeling like i can be doing it wrong
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and i think it's just in that normative the normative way right
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okay right do you get what i'm saying i know i'm trying to i'm trying to follow when i'm when i'm i'm
20:02
it's okay i'm trying to follow i can appreciate where you're going and i can appreciate um what you're what
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you're trying to do so that's awesome yeah and i encourage you to keep seeking um for those for those things
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that you're looking for because i know that you have a purpose and i'm grateful so yeah that's awesome
20:23
my morning routine is [Music] very much a part of my life and it changes day to day sometimes depending
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on time frame what i feel like i need i have a
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few things that i'll all gravitate to for different types of things you don't know if you wake up sometimes if you're
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wake up automatically in a good mood or you wake up in a bad mood or whatever sometimes that'll dictate how i spend
20:49
that morning time first thing in the morning yeah so yeah yeah
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yeah i try not to wake up pre preprogrammed to be frustrated or annoyed or whatever
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but sometimes i don't know if it's because of what i dreamt that i don't remember if it was because of what i ate
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the day before before i went to sleep you know i have no idea but there are some days i'm like okay i need to do something different this morning
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right well and i think some of that sometimes comes down to two like um what did you do the night before the
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day before you know i think yeah there's i think a big part of one thing that i came to understand in recovery
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um they call it a tenth step um but it's the idea that at the end of the day you
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kind of do an inventory of like what i did well
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what i could have done better are there any like is there anything that i need to do to
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um like do i need to have do i own an apology somewhere um do i
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you know like those sorts of things and it's just kind of a nice little like spot check if you will
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um i know i know for me it was really important for me to get to a space where i not only look at because
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i think for there was a time when i'd very much just look at what i did wrong what did i do wrong today or what didn't
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i do well today or what didn't i get done right and for me again because i've always been
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just so critical of myself it's really helpful for me to actually talk about what i did do well
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and what you know or what i didn't do not well you know if that makes sense you know like i didn't absolutely send this
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email or i didn't say this thing that i felt like i wanted to say or i didn't like whatever um
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uh so it's been really helpful i think when i for me when i and that's what an inventory is meant to do is that you
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actually look at the what you have and what you don't have you're not just focusing on what you don't have
22:53
that's great that's a really great tool
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right [Laughter] i know i was uh
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talking with um i'm going to be doing this podcast uh in a couple of weeks or this episode
23:12
we're going to be recording it and we're talking about um the kind of conversion therapy
23:17
um and there was a documentary that recent came out and um
23:23
he's also you know he's a gay man and just kind of talking about like relationships you know
23:30
and how do we um it's like
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he was i was sharing with him a little bit about our conversation about and then my recent experience with uh like
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around like say the trans issue and feeling like how can i um
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like i need to know and she needs to understand this so that um
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i don't know in order for me to truly be loved by her or i don't know like there was some sort of
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you know what i mean like what we talked about before and and he was sharing kind of a similar situation i think very
24:07
different um i think that you know there's a little bit more going on but i thought it was kind of
24:13
interesting and a great opportunity to hear how folks are are really navigating that
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you know and it's like i think it's an interesting balance of trying to figure out what's um
24:25
when does something cross that line i guess for people you know
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yeah i'm kind what i'm lost with across that i know
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well i think i think like um you know like there there might be for instance there maybe somebody
24:44
like thinks that you're like they're going to be okay with your the fact that you are
24:49
who you are but when you're around their kids they want you to not be who you are or
24:56
they don't want to participate in or you can't bring this part of yourself into the
25:02
relationship or something like that and i think that's where you kind of like
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i don't know like i don't think i think if i wasn't able to do that
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you know i think that i don't know that i could be in relation you know what i mean so i think it's just that
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i don't know it's so individual and kind of understanding where that comes from
25:25
and i think that's a a fine line between honoring the people around you
25:30
and being who you are because i know there's times when i i don't come into a
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a space full-blown tina yes i know there's people around me that
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that may think differently uh may not appreciate me maybe even people that i know already don't like me
25:51
and especially if i'm in someone's house that i love or i respect i or place i
25:56
certainly will not i would i would choose not to and not be offended by it i feel like this is just
26:02
my part of being a part of an amazing group of people everyone being who they are
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you know because again we've already talked about this i don't have the ability to change anybody you don't have the ability to change anybody
26:14
in my opinion the only person who has the ability to change is god and so my role is to be the best person
26:20
that i can be to be loving kind and respectful to the people around me and pray for for people as god puts them on
26:26
my heart so i think there's a space where we're like well i'm not allowed to be who i am versus i'm willing to not
26:33
think about myself in this instant so that everyone here can be comfortable or
26:39
be you know [Music] well i think yeah and i mean i think
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that's part of the challenge because like for me i think i try so hard that you know i want to bring all of me
26:49
wherever i go um like i it's important for me to be a whole person it's important for me to
26:55
always be connected wholly fully like with myself and to not feel
27:02
like i need to change myself or not bring a part of
27:08
myself into a situation now that doesn't mean that i won't
27:13
choose to do that and that doesn't mean that there are times that that might be appropriate or you know what i mean but
27:19
um i don't know i just i just feel like i don't know if i want to be in a space
27:25
or if it's that important for me to be in a space in which i couldn't bring those things
27:30
i couldn't bring all myself into anymore you know like i get it you got to determine what your whole
27:36
self looks like and what a mature whole self looks like to me a whole self goes with me everywhere just because i'm not
27:43
wearing a i don't know a t-shirt that says whatever it is i wanted to say that could be offensive to someone else
27:50
doesn't mean i still don't think that or feel that or or desire that um the fact that i'm choosing to put
27:56
someone else's potential hurt offense or whatever above my own i feel like is an act of maturity
28:02
on my part it doesn't change who i am doesn't change how i am and there are instances that i choose not to
28:08
participate but usually not because i can't where bring on the outside
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um i can't i don't know an outside reflection of my inside does that make sense
28:20
so but that doesn't change who i am on the inside i've been learning a lot about um how i
28:27
enter a space how i affect the people around me i spent a lot of years being told that i
28:34
was intimidating you in some ex in some ways have said that
28:40
differently but and it's like i don't want to be intimidating that doesn't mean that i change i am
28:47
still a different person that just means when i interact with people i
28:53
interact differently when i've grown a lot because of the time that i spend with jesus
28:58
but two there's some things that even though i'll evaluate is this a is this a uh
29:07
worth battling for or not and when it comes to offending other people
29:13
um being unkind to other people having a negative effect on the group as
29:18
a whole a lot of times i'll choose that that's not the right battle yeah well i think part of the challenge
29:26
gets to for folks is like okay but what parts are not are non-negotiables do you know what i mean
29:32
like i feel like there's certain like you might be able to ask me not to uh don't cuss
29:39
my house that might be different than don't bring your don't bring your husband
29:45
to my house you know well um
29:51
i agree in that instance i guess if i i wouldn't go if i couldn't bring my husband i'm just like okay i'll see you when i
29:58
can bring my husband or if you want to come to my house where my husband is right right and i think that's like that
30:05
sort of thing is like for people their sexuality their sexual orientation you know those are
30:11
all parts of that like their same sex partner or their gender you know what i mean like that's something
30:18
that they're gonna bring with them and it doesn't feel like it's a a negotiable kind of thing do you
30:23
know what i mean so i think that's kind of more so i think the challenges is where
30:30
your yeah i mean if i wasn't allowed to be like trans and show up the way that i am
30:38
like um like say in relationship with you i don't why would i why would i be in like
30:44
that part of it would be like them i don't know i just don't think that that's something that i and it's nothing
30:49
you've ever asked of me i don't i'm not trying to put that on you i'm just trying to speak in general like i just don't think i
30:56
i that's one thing that i don't think i'm willing to to give up
31:02
um to be in relationship with somebody because i've done that my whole life
31:07
you know um it's like something that's not negotiable
31:13
if you want me to not wear booty shorts that's like a that's like a whole nother
31:18
thing you know like you know i'd rather you not wear daisy dukes to our wedding or uh whatever i think
31:25
that's a little bit different than saying you know um could you just not be transgender today or
31:31
can you leave you're gay at home whatever that means you know what i mean like it's just i think those are the
31:37
things where it's it goes too far um and uh
31:42
and yet though i do think that's where some people draw those lines
31:48
out of their own like i don't know what it is that does that
31:54
to be honest with you i don't know i don't understand how that sort of stuff still continues to get in the way
32:00
a lot of people's relationships in a lot of families
32:06
i think there's a lot of selfishness is how i would describe that selfishness on everyone's part
32:13
you know we all have a level of that in our lives um no matter how hard we try not to
32:19
myself included and i think sometimes we can get caught up in the selfishness of it
32:24
um and forget the love behind it especially when we're dealing with our family now not in the instance of if you're
32:31
married and you want to bring your husband to christmas i i think see i think that person should look
32:37
past that in love and say family's family right but even if they're just like
32:43
they're not a married partner but they're a partner why not yeah um
32:48
either way right yeah i just want to make claire clarification because in that it sounded
32:54
like oh well if they're married it's okay but if they're not married it wouldn't be okay no and i'm not saying
32:59
that you did but i'm just like adding adding to that that it's not just about the fact that
33:05
you're married that it makes it okay or not negotiable is the fact that you know it's a loved one or significant other
33:11
that that uh you are doing life with right right right yeah
33:17
so but on the other side of that if someone was um i don't know maybe on their deathbed
33:23
and was uncomfortable but wanted to see you one last time and you said i'm not coming unless i brought
33:28
my significant other i think that would be a selfish move on that part you know you don't want to even say
33:33
goodbye to this person who you say you love or that loves you so i think there's lots of gray areas
33:39
here so i think acceptance for everybody needs to be be tempered
33:46
with the the situation and like a i have a list not like yours
33:51
for um in the mornings but i do have a list or a temperament why am i thinking why do i
33:57
feel why does this bother me you know when i ask myself those questions is there a reason i think like
34:03
this what does this have to do with me does it really have anything because these are questions i ask myself even with
34:09
conversations like i don't know have you ever thought something negative about someone you see on the street that you don't even know
34:16
like oh they should not be wearing that top guilty and then i think why do i even have that
34:22
thought why did that even come up in my mind i do that with with other things when
34:28
we're dealing with we have a lot of folks around us that are different than we are um praise god because i don't i don't
34:35
want to be around people that are just like me that doesn't help me so much i love those people and i enjoy those
34:40
people but i want people who help me to be better who challenge me to grow and to not be
34:45
stuck in a rut and to be the same every single day when i wake up so that's the desire of my heart but to
34:51
be in that space sometimes i can't come in bold and and crazy and look at me and
34:59
you know whatever that that might look like so there has to be some wisdom behind that at the end of the day i want to love
35:06
people and of course we all want to be loved but the truth is everyone's not going to love me or maybe not even like
35:12
me and i need to be okay with that and i need to give them the space to do that
35:17
until they realize on their own that maybe there's something here that that's compatible with who they are right
35:23
and i think like the big thing is it's like i think sometimes it's really easy to like um be like well the other person's
35:30
behavior isn't acceptable they're okay but it's like i really just need to like think about my
35:37
like my behavior and my desire and what's okay or not okay for me and i
35:43
think it's an interesting balance though of that like denying yourself or setting something aside
35:50
without betrayal of self you know and i think that's depending upon where you're at and your
35:55
understanding of your identity or certain parts of your growth of yourself
36:01
like to to let go of something like that would
36:07
be a betrayal later in life it might not be but you know i mean i think those are so it's
36:13
like i just have a lot of compassion and understanding for
36:20
that need and that desire and that unwillingness to
36:25
put myself aside in certain situations or a part
36:30
about myself aside um that's so important to me
36:36
um i just i just um and yeah i still want to challenge
36:42
myself to not let that get in my way of
36:49
um being in relation with people more people and to
36:57
hopefully have a bigger understanding and capacity for
37:04
more of existence and the way people exist and the way people
37:10
see and perceive things i get that
37:15
i get that yeah yeah and i think sometimes i feel like it's
37:22
um sometimes i think you've been talking on here sometimes i can feel like i'm
37:28
like um like i'm not just speaking for me
37:33
do you know what i mean like i'm not just um when that's all i am doing that's all i can do i can only just
37:39
share my experience and try to convey it and communicate it in a way as best as
37:44
possible but sometimes i feel like you know like i'm the trans person or i'm the queer person i'm with a
37:51
conservative christian person and like i need to like you know make a stand or i need to speak
37:57
for others who are in a different position or place or might see things differently than i do
38:02
and so it's been a really interesting kind of like back and forth of feeling like okay is this is this me growing is this me
38:09
accepting things or is this me um submitting or
38:15
not being true or you know betraying myself in some way and so those are the
38:21
things that i'm constantly checking with myself a lot of like what you're talking about is like
38:26
how do these things make me feel or what is going on with this thing that's triggering me for whatever reason
38:32
um so i think i think i'm just kind of putting that out there a little bit where sometimes i
38:38
feel like um in these conversations with me more lately it's just like i don't always
38:44
feel like i'm just able to share my experience and so which is fine i've not given you room to
38:50
do that because i want you to do that it's not you it's i just i'm just saying in general and you might feel this too
38:57
that you might feel like you're having to speak for
39:02
other christians or something or or perceiving that other people might be uh thinking of you as the christian or
39:10
what you know what i mean and it's like and so for me i think sometimes i get in that place of like well
39:16
um if i do this thing am i saying to
39:21
other people like me that um i don't know that that they're where
39:28
they're at doesn't matter or they're um what's important to them or what they're
39:34
unwilling to or willing to kind of like discuss or not discuss or put aside or
39:41
make sure they bring to the table um it's it's going to be different for all of us and it's going to be i think
39:46
different for all of us at different parts in our life yeah i think so and at the end of the
39:53
day we have to realize that everyone is on their own own journey
39:58
and you know as much as we may be afraid that we're speaking for
40:04
someone or giving an impression to someone of of something at the end of the day that's that's
40:10
really not our responsibility right um i appreciate what you're what
40:15
you're saying because we don't want to say things that are hurtful or misleading or misguiding somebody else
40:22
we want to be considerate and compassionate to those around us who are listening and who may not
40:28
be exactly on the same page as us but at the end of the day um there is a a responsibility to be who we
40:35
are um and but i think that for me
40:40
as a as a christian and as a mature christian um i've learned a long time ago that my life is
40:47
not dictated for self-gain the the gain that i have in my life
40:53
comes by my walk with the lord it's the fruit of that life i can't
40:58
pursue it it because i'll never get it that comes from my walk with who jesus
41:05
is both on an intellectual on a spiritual on every area of my life
41:11
and so if i'm lacking there then these other areas of my life are going to lack my confidence that we talked about
41:18
already it comes from that you know i don't have credentials like people around me have
41:24
my desires are similar to those people and i could you know the world says no
41:30
but no the world doesn't the world may say no but my spirit says yes and so for
41:36
my pursuit is okay i'm going to continue to surrender i don't believe in self-betrayal i don't i think i need to
41:43
die to myself so that the the fullness of my spirit can live if i don't die to those things
41:49
that i [Music] i want and feel like i need and those things that i've defined by the world
41:56
standard then i don't think i can move forward spiritually and that's the desire of my heart because i'm only going to fulfill
42:02
my purpose if i reach that place um spiritually yeah that's what i think
42:08
go ahead again but i'm just fig it's part of that and i think it all comes down to language and perception but
42:14
like what is denying yourself of one thing or giving up one thing or not doing like i think sometimes we hear
42:21
this idea that um we're not supposed to get anything from
42:26
living and being ourselves that we should not ever have anything gained but i feel like
42:33
if i said that i didn't mean it no i mean i feel like that's sometimes what's hurt it's this or my perception is that
42:38
there's like this idea in order to be right with god i have to deny myself
42:44
which makes sense in some ways but not in the sense of like i know that my full self
42:50
like my me being able to be at my fullest holist like place
42:56
is actually going to make me that much better for god do you know what i mean and that much more
43:02
able to show up in the way that um you know god would have me
43:08
and see i might the only difference of you and i have a difference here and it's okay it's okay to be different
43:14
i believe that i can only become my full self as i allow myself to surrender more to
43:19
god's will and the only way i know god's will is by interacting with with god and reading
43:26
the passages of god and i don't need to make myself better for god because i'm only better through
43:32
god and so i don't pursue those things on my own and my only pursuit is jesus
43:38
and he takes care of all that other stuff for me yeah and my heart my
43:44
my um intuition my thoughts my hopes my dreams all those things he takes care of those
43:50
things yeah and i don't think that i'm different from what you're saying um
43:57
again i think it's just kind of how we're saying it um that's probably true yeah like because because um
44:05
i i know that what's good for me i know what's good for me is what god wants for me so like exactly right so it's not
44:12
about me wanting to get more than what is meant for me or more than what god would have
44:18
for me but it is important for me to have what god would have for me and for
44:24
me to you know to to live in that it doesn't take me
44:29
being less than that being less than that is actually not um what god would have me do or have
44:36
have me be which i know is not what you're saying either you know and so i think it just
44:41
kind of comes down to like when we hear certain things yeah we're gonna take it to a certain place
44:47
whereas you know what i mean and so it's like um i get what you're saying but when i hear it in certain words then
44:53
like this is how i perceive it and it's like no that's not that's not what she's saying
44:58
yeah or you know what i mean yeah i get it it's interesting how that kind of
45:04
well because we we have perspective from from where we're from that's how it makes sense and that's why
45:09
it's important that we have conversations like this to challenge our basic perspectives see from
45:15
for me it's a nutshell i i pursue god god reveals himself and in me and
45:21
through me that's it that's my only thing i got to pursue god i don't have to pursue anything else
45:27
um and it sounds easy but it's not
45:32
i know it's right it's not easy for me every single day it's not easy for you every single day so so yeah so thanks for clarifying
45:40
yeah yeah no i mean challenging and challenging because that's that's what this is about i want to learn
45:45
yeah because i mean i feel like even just the way you just said it i'm i'm like sure yeah i get that you know
45:51
what i mean like yeah that's what i'm doing yeah exactly yeah it's it's yeah it's just again it's just
45:58
how we uh what we label things and what that you know what that means it's so you
46:03
know it's like that whole thing like when i remember when i was a kid and they first told you know like you know
46:09
think of a white house you know and we can look think of a white house and
46:16
it's going to be the it's going to be a different white house because of our process perception it's kind of
46:22
like even what we brought up last week with the the blind man and the elephant you know it's like
46:28
we're all gonna have our own experience sometimes of the quote-unquote same thing but sometimes you need to have
46:35
more than just that generic white house like it's more of like think of the
46:40
white house you grew up in you know like something to add a little bit more context to it and and
46:47
specificity i think um in order to kind of
46:53
be more on the same page or be yeah you know seeing the same thing in this
47:00
closest way as possible thank you yeah yeah which
47:06
which in some ways is like then why do we even talk yeah if we're not going to be able to fully understand i think
47:12
that's kind of where i've gotten the last couple weeks ago it's like i don't i don't know that we're ever going to be
47:18
able to understand it the same in the same way and i don't and in my heart i feel like
47:25
we do get it um but i struggle with the words
47:31
with saying the words that i get it and also hearing
47:37
the words come from you in a way in which lands in that understanding
47:45
that makes sense because because it's just so rigid it's like i have to hear it a certain way in
47:50
order for me to feel understood and so if if somebody doesn't say that
47:56
in those same ways then i feel not understood but that's not necessarily true right as
48:03
long as you don't stand in a place of offense because you don't feel like you're understood in that moment then i
48:09
think there's room for opportunity for people to grow which is really hard which i think is really hard but sometimes i feel like
48:15
what the hell are we talking for yeah not necessarily like with us but there's like in general it's like if
48:21
we're um oh yeah if we're having a conversation go ahead sorry i didn't mean to know you go ahead i interrupted
48:27
you no it's just gonna say yet there's this drive or i know that i have this like that i feel like most people have
48:34
is this idea of wanting to be understood and wanting to understand others
48:40
yeah you know just kind of wanting to understand we just have to be careful that as we
48:46
are in relationship with uh with one another that our motive is not to change one another and i find that when we get
48:53
uncomfortable and we seek understanding i think a lot of times people don't
48:59
think you understand them because you don't agree with them or you don't think like them
49:04
or whatever so i think for folks not not us because we've worked through most of this
49:10
i think people think to be understood they've have to change the other person to their way of thinking and that's not
49:16
necessarily true we have to be open to new ways of thinking but that doesn't mean we have to change who we are our perspective of
49:24
things we need to be open to gain knowledge and understanding and maybe wisdom would be my goal
49:31
from things but that doesn't mean i'm going to jump right in and change my my whole way of thinking i don't want to have conversations with you
49:37
um and you don't want to have conversations with me for the purpose of changing one another yeah because i love you i love you the
49:45
way god created you i love you because i know he's got something amazing in your life that's going to come
49:51
through your life for the purpose of everybody else around you and i don't want to change any of that
49:56
i want to encourage you and i don't have to agree with what every season of your life looks like
50:01
right that's not my job i don't have to change you to think like i think
50:07
because our seasons are different or our perspectives are different and so i don't want to have
50:12
conversations that are um motivated by wanting to change and
50:18
and that's all i just don't want us to seek understanding under that guise when we're really
50:24
trying to change one another because i don't want to change yeah yeah
50:31
so yes yes yes yes and we are about five minutes over
50:37
ah okay the 45 minutes we have great conversations even all by
50:43
ourselves yeah that's why we love each other anyway all right do you want to take us out i will
50:49
sure why not so everybody thank you so much for joining us tonight and i know that you may not be with here us here in
50:55
this moment but i know you're going to listen later on so thank you for that we appreciate your time we appreciate the
51:00
opportunity to answer your questions engage with you so look for us out and out in the world out in the real world
51:07
i'm on facebook i identify as christian bonnie violet is out on a whole bunch of
51:12
mediums she gave a list at the beginning i'm sure she'll give us another list here but reach out to us give us an
51:17
opportunity to engage a little bit help us to expand our perspective and to get to know you
51:23
and to understand who you are because you know what we think you're amazing thanks for joining us
51:28
agreed thanks thanks so much and we'll see you all the next week bye bye
51:36
splintered grace podcast is brought to you by a queer chaplain
51:43
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51:51
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52:05
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52:23
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