Integrity is such a large word. In this show we talk about the depths of what integrity means and how we grow into it. We share personal events and encourage one another to push through tough challenges.
a queer chaplain
Helping to lace one’s narrative with a spiritual thread.
Big shout out and Thank you to our monthly supporters. With your support we can continue to bring and upgrade Splintered Grace Podcast quality and reach.
To learn more or to join our Patreon go to patreon.com/bonnieviolet
a queer chaplain
Helping to lace one’s n
Engage! Rate, Follow, Subscribe & Share
Book ME! - Keynote, Panel, Guest on Show, Officiate Wedding /Memorial in/out of drag.
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Sponsor! Patreon, Venmo, PayPal
Integrity is such a large word. In this show we talk about the depths of what integrity means and how we grow into it. We share personal events and encourage one another to push through tough challenges.
a queer chaplain
Helping to lace one’s narrative with a spiritual thread.
Big shout out and Thank you to our monthly supporters. With your support we can continue to bring and upgrade Splintered Grace Podcast quality and reach.
To learn more or to join our Patreon go to patreon.com/bonnieviolet
a queer chaplain
Helping to lace one’s n
Engage! Rate, Follow, Subscribe & Share
Book ME! - Keynote, Panel, Guest on Show, Officiate Wedding /Memorial in/out of drag.
Collaborate! - Join Team, Guest, Make a Pitch
Sponsor! Patreon, Venmo, PayPal
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[Music]
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[Music]
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will be
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hey everybody happy monday here we are again on splintered grace my name is
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tina frank and i have a mature christian conservative woman i think i said that all wrong and i'm
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also a bible teacher at my local church good morning tina and hi everybody i am bonnie violet i'm
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a trans genderqueer drag queen um and i've been an emotional brat this week so
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it can be that sometimes right yeah you do have to do that sometimes
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awesome wow how was your weekend um you know there was uh there was a lot
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of really great stuff when i let it i did a pretty good job of just like showing up to some things i had some
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auditions for a musical on saturday it was so fun i didn't know about that
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yeah it's a um i'm like not like i'm like i'm the like i'm on a committee that that
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has a committee that does a musical and so i just was there to help kind of greet people um for their
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auditions and kind of um that sounds fun i guess oversight or guide i don't know how the i'm still
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figuring out what my actual role is that's so is this nothing that's going to continue or is that a one-time thing
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this weekend yeah no it was um we had auditions the um it's it's for part of a a conference
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for sober people uh in september and so um there they had auditions to start
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doing uh so the show is going to be in september so um it'll be like an ongoing thing but it
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was really great because you know a lot of it's been just kind of like talking about what we might be doing and
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so we actually were like all in the same room at the same time and we had auditions we actually saw people
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and so that was kind of nice too because things are opening up a little bit uh that was also kind of nice as well
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just to start to see things come together a little bit more that's awesome awesome how was your weekend i had a
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great weekend i had a girls weekend with my uh two oldest daughters and our friend veronica
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so nice yeah it was a lot of fun so what did you do what kind of stuff did you do oh my goodness
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what didn't we do it's probably an easier question um we went we we got up out of the valley so i'm in
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i'm in the phoenix area so we went up to young and we did some hiking we had a campfire
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in the evening we had a whole bunch of junk that we wouldn't normally eat because that's what you do on girls weekend right and uh we did
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some painting and we laughed and laughed and laughed oh my goodness it's fun sharing memories
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crazy stories um you know they're all adults now so i only get to hear what they tell me so
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to hear some of the fun things that's happening in their lives and some of our friend veronica is from south africa
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and so she had some amazing things to share about south africa we ate some south
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african cuisine which was amazing um so it's just a lot of fun i didn't get in yesterday until
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about 7 30 8 o'clock last night oh wow that sounds like a great time it
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was a great time it's definitely going to be um in the memory book
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[Music] nice do you try to do that often well i would love to but it hasn't
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always worked out i'd say this is our first um official girl girls we did a girls night
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and then actually it's on on the wall behind me we had all the girls from our family went to the movies one
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night that was a lot of fun but this is the first time we just got away for a couple of days it was
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just really refreshing just really refreshing we can hang out and some of those responsibilities we have
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all the time we're just able to not have to worry about it so it was just really nice great nice sounds great it'll be a
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regular i would like to be like okay every however often we're gonna do this that would be awesome
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right yeah well that's awesome that sounds great i think i've seen you guys do like wine and
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painting before was that were those ladies nights or girls nights it depends we've done those
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too uh yeah we tried to do we were doing it really pretty regular
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before covet yeah yeah came everything kind of broke apart and so now we're just i
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don't know starting to get some momentum again everyone's starting to feel a little more comfortable um to having bigger our family you know
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it's pretty good size when we all get together so we're trying to uh honor the guidelines that we were given and
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and still stay connected so it's been a lot of digital stuff um but it was nice to just have it we've
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never had a pack your stuff and get out of dodge for two days so that was a lot of fun
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i hope we can do that again with it with all the girls that would be amazing sounds like a great time did you have
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good weather for it oh my goodness we couldn't have asked for better weather it was a little bit windy on friday
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night when we got there but other than that it was it was perfect couldn't couldn't have asked for
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anything but it wasn't too hot it wasn't too cold um yeah it was nice to just be able to
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do what we want right fantastic yeah um
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yeah i just wanted i wanted to i know last night some folk or last week some folks checked in and my nephew
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had um you know was in the hospital at that time and just wanted to update folks if they didn't find out any other
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way that um really not sure what happened but um he ended up
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you know being in the hospital for about 24 hours just to be like looked at he you know he came trying to remember what
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state he was in when we talked last i think he was kind of unconscious and in between hospitals
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yeah um basically he's he's fine they're really not sure what happened um but he's home and
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you know having a good time and so just want to let folks know that and thanks for your prayers
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and thoughts and all of that scary it was scary it was it was like a
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lot of um it just brought up a lot of different things like i think our family has a
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little ptsd from from when wyatt passed away um
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that i think it just brings up like all this stuff again because we've been in situations where you know we've woken up to to little
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ones that aren't breathing and going to hospitals and being in icus and
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you know eventually needing to to let go of one person you know and um and so i think it just brings up a
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lot for our family whether we can yeah realize it as it's happening or not um
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but i think that's yeah and i think that kind of leads into a little bit of like i know we are wanting to talk about
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integrity today um and integrity is like one of those big words
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um that um i i think it's something that i know like i've always wanted and i feel like
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i'm doing better and then sometimes i can really have a hard time allowing myself
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to not have it perfect yet you know right
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i think i experienced that a little bit this week i think i was challenged on some of my um
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uh like i was really challenged in some ways of like okay girl how can you put what you believe what you say what
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you know into work this week and how are you going to respond to that um in in as best way as
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possible um and so i think i was definitely found myself in a few
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uh positions this week um to really kind of like ask myself and reflect on what what is
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you know how would i how would i ideally react in this position even though like i'm feeling really hurt
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um i'm feeling like my stuff like the things that aren't the person's
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stuff which is my stuff is getting in the way of my ability to kind of show up in a
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way with you not necessarily you but just like with that person in a way that i would like
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and just trying to allow myself to be okay with like i
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i think sometimes i i end up not taking action in those situations at all
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like i'll let my challenge with my own stuff because i have my stuff i'm not gonna
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share how your stuff impacted me um and so i was really trying to not
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just um like like part of integrity i think is being
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able to really like speak your truth speak what's going on without
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fear of the other person and how they're going to respond still doing that with love and kindness
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but like you know and so i think for i think that can be some somewhat of a balance and a challenge
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in very in certain situations that for me can cause a lot of emotions when i get in my emotions
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um i really have a hard time i don't know like not just reacting
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um and then like you know because i want to do it i want to do it well i want to do it right right and uh you'd rather shut
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down then right instead of follow through it's it's weird because yes
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and no because i feel like that's a lot of what i did this week was i just kind of like it was weird because i
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felt like i just attacked myself instead of instead of just kind of like
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i don't i don't know i honestly i'm still kind of processing it a little bit because you i don't know if you have this
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experience but sometimes i'll get to where like i start having these feelings or these thoughts or these reactions to things
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that i don't want to have like i was like i don't want to be upset about this i don't want to take this personal
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i don't want to you know but i am and then i'm like mad at myself because
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i am because somehow i think i need to be more evolved or like i don't like i'm past that thing
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and then it's really easy for me to get into a space of me feeling like then it's hard for me to talk to people
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about it too because then i feel like i'm like i'm bringing a burden
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that doesn't need to be a burden you know what i mean like it's weird how like intellectually
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i guess i understand it all and i understand what i'm doing and i understand how i actually could maybe get relief
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and get out of it and yet i couldn't pull myself out of it
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well honey sometimes you have to let other people come alongside you and help you yeah it's hard i know it's hard because
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it's a vulnerability and i think we get we feel like we don't want to be a burden
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yeah we have to remember that if people i shouldn't say if when people love us
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their ability to come alongside you is an honor and a privilege yeah and you know we have to be reminded
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that's why we're in community we weren't created to be by ourselves and to work through all this stuff
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i commend you for for being able to logically discern what's happening around you and desiring
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to work through it a lot of people would just shut down so i i commend you for having a desire
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to work through it no matter what the outcome might bring yeah i think give yourself something
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don't put you so much pressure on yourself yeah there's a there's a party that's like okay girl like
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spreads or give yourself some of that grace you you talk about absolutely absolutely yeah and so it was like it
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was like one of those things where it kind of felt like things were i'm kind of like what we were talking about maybe in fear
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where it was kind of like one of those moments where it did feel like when i was it just felt like there was more coming
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at me and and when i did try to reach out a couple of times
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they weren't available or they weren't getting the clue that i was actually really having a hard time and i just can't say
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that i really need to right now like talking later is not going to be helpful like i kind of need to talk to you now
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because later i'm not going to you know like whatever and so there was just a lot of that
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and so i think i finally just gave up even trying because i was feeling let down and i was like feeling
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my i was unreasonable to be even like expecting people to just you know what i mean like it's just like
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yeah yes you just said that constant rabbit hole what i call it yeah sometimes you just have to be
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straight and say hey i need you to talk to me right now if you're not available right now i'm happy to talk to you when you are available
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um but if you're available i really need you to talk to me right now yeah there's any
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way yeah it's okay to say that sometimes yeah and no yeah it's like it's like it's so
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it's so um there's a part of me that really wants wants to explain what was going on and then
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it's like the more that i do it the more it feels like i'm like i don't know kind of in the space of victim about it all and it's just like
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that's not how i want to experience it because um i don't like i don't want
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to be a victim and don't feel like i'm a victim to my life it's just about trying how do i explain
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this or talk about it in a way that feels like i can release it um without it like burdening the other
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person because i feel like you need to not worry so
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much about other people as long as you're not being um i don't know mean or
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deceitful or whatever you're being truthful just like you process whatever we all
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have to process it and we have to we'll have to work through our own response
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but you it's hard and it's very scary um to have those hard conversations
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because you don't want to offend or hurt someone's feeling or make them uncomfortable or be a burden
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but i we we have to just trust that if we if we need to share it and they've been
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that person that we share with or the person that we feel like we need to share with them we need to share and trust that it's going to be okay
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and if it's not okay then it's probably not about you completely or even at all it's probably not about
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me but it's right yeah so so yeah so you just need to free yourself of that
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it's easier said than done i know because i think we all struggle with it in a certain area of our lives and i
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think it's just something we continue to deal with as we grow yeah when i think
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you know the i think we're we're taught to believe that we just we we should be able to take care of
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this stuff on our own and you know i think i really got that message a lot and i used to even tell myself that a
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lot like i don't need people i don't need this and and i think that's just part of like it's like i'm choosing to acknowledge that
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i could live better if i could find a way to like be with people
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um through things that are difficult for me um and so um and i i guess
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i'm still learning um you know and that's and that's okay um but i
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think uh i think that's just kind of what i went through this week i think there was just like it was really weird because i had like a really high of my birthday
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i felt super connected i felt really loved and i just felt so special and
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then like three days later i think nobody loves me and there's nobody i can call and it's like totally like
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it's like crap it's total crap yeah um but i do know that there were some things that kind of triggered that
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for me that kind of put me i think in that space to then when i became super like sensitive
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i feel like saying saying i'm super sensitive is like a bad thing but it's just kind of the way that i am um at times
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and so i was just and most of the time it's a gift um sometimes it can just be challenging i
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guess to nominate so um integrity is like as far as the
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definition goes integrity is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles and moral
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uprightness some similar words are honesty
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uprightness there's some bigger words that honor ethics morals
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righteousness one of the other things is a state of being whole and undivided which i can really
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um like i can really grab on to that um thinking and not get caught up in like
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the the first one sounds a little egoy like i've i would say i've always i've always been so honest and
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like strong and upright and like there's like kind of an ego an ego aspect to that for me whereas i
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feel like the quality of or the state of being whole or undivided feels a little bit more
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i don't know yeah i think i think that definition describes the
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um levels for lack of a better word of integrity you know integrity when from the time
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we're little we're taught you if you say it you got to do it you know if you're the contract involved
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there's got to be integrity or all the stories you heard about remember when a handshake would be fine or
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somebody's good name was enough so what you described were different levels of integrity as we mature and as we grow
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and this we become big better adults i guess i don't know how else to say it because sometimes when i think
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i've got it figured out it's like oh i just missed the mark because what i just said or did
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was not integrity right yeah and it can be really challenging i think when
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you're so aware it's like i aware that i do not want to respond with integrity right now
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and yet and so then you like back off but like uh landa lakes is saying honesty i believe is the hardest
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quality of integrity i agree i have a hard time for a long
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time i used to say and i think this was true but i used to not know the truth
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i you know like i did a good job of not really knowing what was truthful so that i didn't have to be
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dishonest about it like for me for a long time that was really around feelings and things like i just didn't feel like
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i knew a lot but now i can kind of look back and see how um
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i was dishonest in a lot of ways and and i tend to be most dishonest
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about telling you how i feel or how something has impacted me that you've done
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or like those sorts of things because i'm afraid i'm afraid that you um i'm afraid i
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don't know i guess i'm afraid that it will change our relationship that it'll change how you see me um
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it'll change how we interact um that you'll take it personal i don't know that's all the
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stuff i tell myself yeah yeah yeah because i had a um
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i had a situation this week where um i felt like i was challenged to um like how do i respond
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to this situation so i have um i have a friend in chicago and her and her husband
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um recently had a child and he's a trans man who
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had a child and she's a trans woman who is his wife and so
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but when they went to go sign the birth certificate they had to switch
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legally at the time they had to change one being the mother and the one who's the mother saying that they weren't the
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mother and the father saying that they weren't the father but the mother and so they were able to sign this
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certificate and get it listed that the father who gave birth to the child is the father and the mother is the
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mother um and so it was like a celebratory like post it was like yay this is awesome
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my family or my friends family is getting recognized as they see themselves yeah
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exactly and then um somebody on facebook
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um a family member adjacent i guess um uh decided that it was
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a time to uh challenge uh that person's identity um and so they
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made a statement at first um kind of like you know kind of unsaying what this person is saying
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about themselves and i just said hey you know i'm not sure i'm like i'm sure you're not aware of it
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but like this is not an appropriate place um for you to say something like
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like to share that it's like this is a celebratory this is a celebratory post you know i
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you i introduced you to a friend um in our world like you're a part of my
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world and they're a part of mine and i've introduced you to them and you've disrespected them and
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i don't know that you're aware of that but that's not like that's not okay so this is not the place for that and
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then um this person decided they wanted to continue
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the they wanted to continue kind of going at it well i just believe and it's just like and it's just like i
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i so i had so i um i actually unfriended and blocked someone which
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i which is not something that i want to feel i need to do
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um anyone in my life you know this is my this is my nephew's grandfather you know
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like um this is somebody who you know said these things and then said they loved
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they love i love you and then boom boom boom and it's just like it so it's hard to under it's hard to
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accept that somebody can be disrespectful and i don't believe
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that if he really knew how what he was saying would impact the people that he's saying
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to that he would say it um but but there was also like an unwillingness
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to like hear that i'm telling you this is hurtful and this is not the place
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and yet you're gonna continue to go at it and then tell me you love me like it was just it was a very um
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challenging situation and i did end up blocking him and it but it was one of those situations where and i felt really challenged
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because like this is a post that i posted and i tagged my friend you know so she's she's on this post and
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she's hearing a family member of mine you know challenging her identity
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um and how she sees herself and i just and and and i don't think he realized it but
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he was also saying it to me and i think that's the other thing that i was like trying not to make it about
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me but the reality was it's like you're telling me that actually you don't you don't believe you won't believe me
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when i tell you who i say i am and you will feel like you need to tell me
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that you whatever you believe differently or whatever you know and it's just like i i don't i don't believe he's like
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trying to hurt me but i was just kind of like but there was like an unwillingness to even recognize
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that that was a possibility and so i just had to kind of block him i i didn't feel really good about that because i would
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like to try to keep lines of communication do you try to reach out to them in another manner
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like sometimes when we post things on social media um we don't understand the whole thing
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or the tone is not the way it's meant and i'm not saying that what was done was appropriate at all
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i'm just saying maybe it's it'd warrant a a personal conversation a phone call maybe
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or or something to follow up and say hey i just want to follow up and say i love
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you too but i want to talk through the conversation that was started on the platform so that we can make sure that
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we're on the same page or that we are you know whatever that needs to be
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yeah it didn't yeah i'm not there yeah i don't i don't i don't i feel like
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i tried to do that and he was disrespectful and i want to be like totally like
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try to understand his intention or whatever but i feel like if you're not able to like try to meet me
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like where i'm at like like i didn't even say like you're wrong i don't agree with you i
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just said this is not the place right like it's not the place it's like if i invited
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somebody into my house at a barbecue or something and you decided to disrespect one of the people at my party
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like right i'm going to i'm going to tell you to not do this and you need to leave or
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you need to act right right and then whether or not i talk to you about that later
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i think really some of that comes down to i think that person saying hey i'm sorry i acted like a jackass at your
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barbecue yeah i meant no offense um you know like i kind of feel like i kind
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of feel like it's in his court right now and i felt like i had to i'm not good at setting boundaries and i think i just had to set a boundary and
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say hey this is why this is what you did this needs to stop
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don't go any further he decided to go further so i i just had to put up i had to put up
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that no i i think you i think you did fine on that and you know when that time will come
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when one or the other of you will make another step but i don't expect you to do it if you're not ready
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yeah i mean and again that like reaches to my higher self like i want to be able to like talk to this
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because you know i will automatically jump to this space of like i mean i know that i could jump to the
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spaces like you just you just don't know any better like you know that's it
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no go ahead i'm gonna say there's gotta be wisdom though when it comes to having those conversations
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uh you know you only you know what was written and you know how he responded to you have no idea what else was happening
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um maybe nothing but maybe a whole bunch of stuff and so until you're ready to be able to
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respond however they would respond to you because you don't know if they're going to be a positive or a negative
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or it's going to be more of the same or whatever i think it's wisdom that you don't engage until you're ready to process whatever that
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conversation might bring positive or negative well you don't want to put more space
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between the two of you you want to restore so i don't think waiting is a bad thing
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your headspace needs to be right i think that's good wisdom well and the reality of is is is like he
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wounded me yeah he hurt me like it's gonna take me
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it's gonna take me i have to know that he's not gonna hurt me again
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or i have to be willing i guess to be hurt and i just don't know that that's
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like this is a place that i need to go through that with you know um but i think for me to he
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also like i don't know i think it was a couple of other things
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where like um because like i said there was like a couple of other everything like a bunch of things
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happened for me this week at once that was one of them but i really felt like okay girl this is a time for you to like
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really because sometimes i would have just ignored it and just been like just completely ignored it and not given
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it paid it any attention and so i was i took a day or so like it was a it was over a day's like response rather
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than just like because i had a lot of initial responses believe me and i just tried to do what i could to pause and
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like really reflect and figure out how i want to respond but also like i don't think if i would have had
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therapy on friday and talk with my therapist that i would have actually then actually took it further and said hey i
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need to draw this line and you know what i mean like i don't know that i because i was i was telling myself
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you know i was telling myself all those things i've always told myself that this your issue it's not that big
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of a deal blah blah blah blah and then um but yeah and so but i i felt like i felt
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i feel good about it even though it feels so foreign of a way
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to kind of respond because i like even like earlier that day had been talking about
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like what we do as far as us trying to like really like build bridges rather than like building
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these walls and canceling and cutting people out of our lives and you know i think the reality of it is is
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like you know some some of it's going to be that there are certain people that i'm gonna have to say now i can't be with
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you um because it's i don't i don't know if they're not i don't know it's just
30:06
yeah i i i want to understand um give yourself some time
30:15
i think i know that sounds lame but we we all have to we have to process i
30:21
think i'm praying that there will be a moment where you can find forgiveness no matter what their circumstance was
30:29
but until that time you just need to work through what you're feeling um and
30:37
until that moment comes i can't even give you the exactly how long or what exactly to say you know um
30:44
we all get hurt and offended and we all have to process it differently yeah and you know i just i would say
30:51
that behind the scenes uh be praying for this person um be praying that they would uh desire
30:58
to restore your relationship that they would maybe have a uh renewing of their mind as to how
31:04
they think what love looks like um the appropriate ways to respond to people in love
31:10
uh what kindness looks like and and the responsibility that comes when they're trusted and you trusted him with an
31:17
opportunity to celebrate with you so i would be praying
31:22
for that person behind the scenes so that when the opportunity comes for you to have a conversation not knowing
31:28
how that conversation will go that would be the very best conversation that it could be
31:33
when it happens so so that's the best wisdom i could offer you but make sure that you work through what
31:39
you're doing but don't condemn yourself you know we're all human uh we all have emotions we're all trying to figure out
31:46
how to manage our emotions how to move forward and to be the best human beings that we can be so that we
31:52
can be kind and loving to one another um and you know some days you just have to take a step back
31:58
but don't yeah well i think that's the challenges it can you can know that somebody's intention
32:03
isn't to cause harm and yet they do and so i think that's the that's the hard part of still trying to
32:09
like convey that yeah and and i i do i don't know i don't necessarily agree like i don't believe
32:16
that like god or the world like sets up these opportunities like to test you or to learn lessons but
32:22
i definitely had a lot of things happen this week where like i was able to um
32:29
i guess like so like i just started um getting seen on platforms and by people who are
32:36
not just people within my circle and so like i've started having people
32:42
um say some not so nice things about me um on on some of these platforms
32:49
and so those things started to happen this week as well which i knew they were coming and in a lot of ways i'm like yay like i'm
32:56
not just preaching to the choir so to speak i know like because because i do believe that i'm called to
33:02
have more of a be in the mainstream a little bit more and so
33:08
that's just gonna come with it and so i think there's a lot of opportunity for me to like
33:13
figure out how to like work through some of that stuff um so it was just like a lot of that
33:19
stuff and then i think with my um yeah go were you gonna say something nope i'm just listening
33:26
uh on uh so one of the things i think that was really triggered for me was on monday when um
33:35
jasper was unconscious and needed to go to the hospital um i had had a conversation with my
33:42
mother she'd call me to tell me what was going on then i was able to talk with you
33:47
and you kind of told me you had already heard about it because you had read it on my father's facebook
33:54
and that is a line of communication in which
34:00
my father has excluded me from so i didn't get that message um from him
34:09
and um i've known that i've known that for
34:16
months that he stopped like that he stopped wanting to see me aesthetically
34:24
and i've been kind of like hurt by it i have been hurt by it and i'm just
34:30
trying to be okay with it and then i think on monday when that happened it just brought it all up again and i
34:35
just want to call my dad and i want to just tell him how much he hurt me and i know
34:40
he does i know that he didn't mean to and he doesn't mean to but like it really like really hurts
34:51
i'm so sorry i didn't i didn't know um exactly you're right i don't think your
34:57
dad wants to hurt you he doesn't i know that he doesn't i know that he loves me i know that he's really proud of me i
35:02
know that yes he is i know that and yet and that's why like sometimes i want to
35:08
make like this is not my issue right my transness and my dad's inability to look at me is not my issue
35:16
you're right it's not um but it feels that it feels that way sometimes like
35:22
sometimes it just feels like if i could just not be an issue then i could have that
35:28
communication with the father that i've always wanted
35:34
in a way that i've never been able to have him and it just you know i just yeah anyway
35:40
go ahead he's working through a lot of the same things that you've had to work through and we've talked on here a number of
35:46
times about the stereotypes that we have in our mind the spaces that we were raised that
35:53
[Music] created those thoughts in our heads you know what what appropriate c is what
35:59
morals are what people should look like what they shouldn't look like how we should act in certain situations
36:04
you know we have decided to be open-minded about that and consider
36:10
other things not everyone has done that in our family and and you know people don't do that
36:16
because it's not easy but once once you start changing your mindset
36:21
those normal things that you did or those people that you're around they may choose not to be around you anymore
36:27
they may choose to combat you they may try to make you feel bad
36:33
about your thoughts because they're different than what they think they should be these are all people that are stuck and
36:41
don't have the ability to change or i take that back they have the ability to change what they choose not to
36:47
and as crazy as it sounds sometimes people will actually
36:52
involuntarily sometimes hold people back because they're scared of change you
36:59
know i'll give you an example from our family um my mom and dad
37:04
love each other they've been together forever and ever and ever but um mom would never allow dad to
37:12
get outside of his comfort zone to open up a business or to run for an office my dad wanted to be on
37:19
the city council for however many years she just would not allow it and she's like you couldn't do that and you know
37:24
why he couldn't do that because we are poor people we can't do that she used to tell me i couldn't be a cheerleader in high school
37:31
because i'm not we weren't rich i can't we can't afford that you can't be a cheerleader no matter if they pick you or not and so
37:38
i don't want to minimize what you're going through but i know that the people that want to stay stuck
37:46
it's because they're comfortable there there's not much required when we decide to have conversations like
37:52
this first for ourselves and then start to have conversations with the people around us that we love
37:57
that we've been disconnected to that makes us vulnerable not only to one another
38:03
but to the people around us who want to stay the same so i'm not you know your dad loves you
38:10
we know that and i just want to encourage you pray for me i did get to talk to your
38:17
dad uh one day i did get to pray with your dad your dad's so heartbroken right now with so many
38:23
things i know um so i know you know so i don't want you to feel bad i just i it's just it's not easy for for you or
38:31
for him and i appreciate that you are uh stepping out and just trying to
38:36
understand so that you can continue to be in a relationship with him and receive the love that he has for you even though
38:43
it's not exactly what you wish it was yeah cause i don't need him to see i don't and that's the whole thing it's like i need to try to accept people
38:50
where they're at too you know like i don't necessarily need him to see the world the way i see it but i do want him to
38:57
see me yeah and so it's like so i i get it i do like i get it in my mind
39:05
and like there's even a part of me that like feels like i'm actually still i'm still stuck in a lot of that old
39:11
thinking like i'm not as like i'm still kind of
39:17
not as evolved i don't know if that's the right word um as as i you know like i still have
39:23
some of those thinkings like i i hear people who are trans and who are queer who like
39:30
they like know who they are and they can like say it like without any question or
39:36
hesitation and like i want like i want that for myself like i don't want to question
39:42
like i don't want to question who i am i want to continue to understand who i am
39:48
and but i don't want to like i don't want to question if i'm questioning myself how can i expect you not to
39:53
question me you know so it's like i know like i've known enough in my life when i've been
39:58
able to know myself in parts of my life that i have a better relationship with the
40:04
rest of the world um and so i'm just kind of still at that place where i'm coming to know myself
40:09
more and it is very disorienting it's very disorienting at times and i don't want it to be
40:16
but it is um and and that's just the reality of it and i just need to be okay with it and it's been
40:21
difficult to find people who i feel like understand that yeah
40:27
so that i don't feel so people that you're not sure understand it maybe maybe they would understand it more than
40:33
you think yeah isaac isaac says this is a very on point
40:39
very on point to a conversation i think that he had with cara um and landa says i agree with that
40:45
falling into comfort is easier than being seen yeah and it's like so much of our
40:52
like so much of my like is is being seen it's like what you
40:58
see it's not even about like what's inside like it's literally like a lot of my where i'm at
41:06
is what what i put on it's like how i show up it's how i present myself to the world and so and
41:13
that's like such a to me it's i believe i'm putting my
41:18
divinity on the outside when i'm doing this to me this is an expression of my connection with god
41:26
and so like for me to not do this feels like i'm denying myself my
41:32
connection to god my connection to my spirit my connection to creator
41:38
like i feel like i'm just stuck in a space of nothingness
41:46
you know unless i'm being able to connect with my creator and it seems really super and silly or whatever
41:52
but you know it's the way that i mark my body um with signs of my experience and my like
41:58
understanding of like the divine i guess i feel like i went a little wonky there but
42:05
okay it's all good so you said you've been thinking a lot
42:11
about integrity did it's so interesting is this is an integrity conversation right
42:16
it is yeah i i think so people define integrity in lots of different ways and
42:22
the categories that you gave us on the definition before i think i think expounded what people normally
42:30
think of as integrity you know a lot of people think integrity is just keeping your word
42:35
and that's only a small piece of it well but it but it is still like i mean i feel like these are the like a state of
42:41
being whole and undivided you know i mean i think like that's like the biggest thing i think that
42:46
even if we're looking at like the world view is like we're really trying to how do we not be so divided as a people
42:53
how do we not be so divided within ourselves like how can we be more integrated and more
42:58
whole like i feel like that's a lot of what i try to try to help people through is
43:05
that idea of being more integrated and being more connected to all of yourselves all at once and so for
43:10
me i often say i want to be i want to bring all of who i am wherever i am
43:16
and this is this is me doing that and me doing that is going to cause
43:23
it's going to have these it's going to have these effects and that's just what comes with it
43:31
like if i if i to think that it wouldn't you know what i mean like it doesn't i
43:36
don't know it's just yeah i don't know i feel like i've
43:42
talked a little bit it feels good no it's good stuff sometimes sometimes one of us has a little more to
43:48
say than the other i think the conversation is great and i appreciate you having it with me um public platform it's even been more
43:55
more daring you know integrity is it i think and a more
44:03
it's part of our moral values i i have my i live my life with core values
44:10
that i practice every day and they help me with my integrity um as well as some of the other things
44:17
that i hold dear in my life so i agree with that as far as wholeness goes i think that
44:22
pursuit is for all of us we all need to be pursuing that and that's why i think integrity involves within us
44:29
as we expose and experience the world expose ourselves and experience the world
44:34
because that's the only way we can grow in integrity but here's what i find that's interesting sometimes in pursuit of those deeper
44:41
things we forget those basic things i want to make sure that as i'm pursuing
44:46
my wholeness and who i i believe i'm created to be that i don't forget those basic things
44:53
because those encounters that we have with people on on a day-to-day those basic
44:59
integrity moments are going to be really important so that we can build relationship and to move forward in what we're doing
45:06
so yeah integrity is is a thing i think it's it's lost in some areas of
45:12
our lives and in our some areas of our culture and you know so it's something that i i
45:19
pray that i have integrity i pray that my family walks in integrity
45:24
and that when people think of me they think of someone of integrity and i don't i know i don't
45:30
hit the mark every day in the basics which is the saddest part because those are my my soft touches of people and and i feel
45:37
like those those basics are my opportunities for future growth you know what i mean the people i
45:44
know today are for this season of my life so these are the people that are going to help me to grow integrity to grow and manage my my emotions and my
45:52
thoughts and my processes they're going to allow me the opportunity to to renew my mind and
45:57
move forward and to understand a little bit more about myself but those people may or may not transition to the next
46:02
season with me and that that can be challenging you know some of those relationships are
46:07
close but as i'm understanding who i am and that integrity that i have
46:13
some of those relationships will fall away and new relationships will come and here's what i'm understanding as i
46:18
become more mature that if i insist on keeping some of those relationships
46:24
that hinders the ability for new relationships to come now i say that but let me clarify
46:31
family relationships that are close i think are a little different now i'm
46:36
not talking second cousin third cousin a great great aunt those kinds of things
46:41
but mother father brother sister some of those relationships i think
46:46
need to stay close we get to choose though at what level our integrity or our involvement can be
46:53
based on who they are but i work every day to be as open as i possibly can even if
47:01
that makes me uncomfortable or if it sets me in the line of fire for someone that i love because at the end of the day i can
47:08
choose to love someone but they can choose to not love me back but i steadfast in those that are
47:14
closest to me that god put me in a relationship with the day i was born
47:20
that i'm going to love him anyway yeah yeah i think
47:27
one of the challenges i think that maybe could be for integrity is we're talking about like morals or
47:33
values and you know like what it means to be ethical moral all that sort of stuff and
47:39
i think that my understanding of the truth of what that is has changed because
47:45
i feel like i had a lot of well it could be added to i guess i feel like
47:50
i've had a lot of like unreasonable expectations of what it meant we've talked about it a little bit like
47:57
about if you're a christian then you have to do all these sorts of things and only these sorts of things and if
48:02
you do something not in line with that then you're a hypocrite and you're like a fake and a liar and
48:08
and i think those are like the some of the things when it comes to integrity that the other part of that is to realize i'm
48:15
going to fall short and what do with that like and that's i
48:21
mean that's that's just something that i just that's the truth of it right i am going to fall short okay
48:28
now what am i going to do with that me expecting that i'm not ever going to fall short is
48:34
is like that's the um the i guess the the wrong if you will if
48:40
there is a wrong in this situation that's the that's the not helpful but not useful
48:46
sort of framing or thinking about um what it means to have integrity um
48:53
which i which i think go ahead you like rose for a second but you're
49:00
good go ahead no go ahead okay i was gonna say i i think we have to remember
49:06
that falling short um we got to make sure that we're not falling short of someone else's expectation of us
49:12
right uh
49:18
you know what i feel like i fall short of my own expectations sometimes and i have to ask myself is
49:24
this a real expectation that i need to have in my life am i giving myself the opportunity
49:29
to meet this expectation i'll i'll question my own expectations on myself i will never
49:35
allow myself to feel guilty for falling short because i feel like i want to just turn that into a moment of
49:41
praise okay i obviously didn't get this the first time
49:46
so how do i process this so that i can get it the next time and if it means i have to wait longer for it if it means it's something that
49:54
i chose unwisely with a situation that happened then i'm going to ask for another opportunity to choose better
50:01
but yeah i try not to live up to everyone else's expectations because i'll never do it it's going to
50:07
cause me so much grief and anguish and it'll cause the people around me grief and anguish and i think you're
50:13
right that's a part of integrity into part of being honest about who we are well and i think i think it's and i
50:19
think it's like it's i think it's something you have to really be i think maybe connected with yourself or god or whatever it is to really like
50:26
really be honest with yourself okay i fell short on this did i fall short
50:31
and can i stretch myself toward it or do it doesn't need to change because
50:37
i know like before i got sober and i hadn't realized this but i just kept changing
50:43
like i kept lowering the bar if you will like my and i could think that could be
50:49
integrity bar you know what it meant to be honest what it meant to be like all those sorts of things i kept
50:55
kind of blowing lowering my bar and i i didn't even realize it i didn't even like realize how i had
51:02
progressively went down and down and down and and and i don't say that like in integrity was really for me it was in
51:08
my honesty like i became less and less less honest and i became more and more justified
51:14
with my dishonesty and until i actually got for me it was getting sober i think
51:20
people do it a lot of ways in life where they just take a moment and they're like oh my gosh what am i doing with my life
51:27
and how can i start to get some different results because i can't seem to it's not working this
51:34
way and so for me that was just me getting sober was that like
51:39
thing for me that was like okay girl like stop and then i was able to start to look at things and then i realized oh my gosh you really
51:47
have like i like felt like you know some people i think people
51:53
think about like when you get to your bottom like that's like you have to be at your worst and you're just like
51:58
like you're just at that point and then you can get sober well i was uncomfortable and i was not happy
52:04
and i was like oh my gosh i need to be sober but six months in is when i really felt
52:11
like crap like i was able actually finally at a part where i could actually start to see the truth
52:17
more and it hurt like hell and luckily i had a community of people that i could
52:22
sit through that pain because for me a lot of my substance use and i think maybe a lot of people's i
52:29
don't know i don't do well with pain and so i want to avoid it i want to
52:35
calm it i want to pacify it and a big part of me
52:42
having integrity and me living an honest life is being able to sit
52:47
with that pain a little bit and to work through it um yeah you know the bible says the
52:52
truth sets us free and it's not the truth about our neighbor it's going to hurt like hell too
52:58
yeah in a lot of cases you know it's the truth about ourselves that's another thing i i struggle with
53:05
when um i i i don't need i i want to understand i want to
53:11
give people the room to be who they're created to be um but i don't want people to steal my
53:18
truth of who i am so that they're they feel comfortable where they're at
53:23
because i'm not sure that's that's not integrity for me or for that person and for me to allow them to do that to
53:29
me is not an act of love or integrity on my part now i'm not saying i need to have an
53:35
argument with everybody i think there's a time and a place that we have conversations and opportunities that
53:40
present themselves for us but for me to take on someone's um whatever
53:47
because they don't agree with my truth or who i am or or
53:54
who i believe i'm called to be that's that's something that i need to not do i need to not let that that's going to
54:00
hinder me and hinder my integrity and steal from me then the same right again i'm a i'm a
54:06
prayer person i think the only real change or the only real effect i have
54:12
for change is within myself and so i'm constantly asking god okay
54:17
this is something new i'm coming up against this is something that challenges maybe the way of thinking that i've had since the beginning of
54:23
time so is this something that i need to change or is this something that i need to be praying for them so that they can
54:30
find the strength to change and only when you give me the opportunity and they ask me do i share with them
54:38
what i think truth is you know i i'm really tired of people jumping in my face
54:44
trying to tell me what truth is when they have no idea who i am what i've been through why i am who i am
54:50
right now and trying to fit me into a mold that i may or may not have been trying
54:56
to get out of i my first response for that usually is offense and i'm working on that because
55:02
you're right the more we are more stable the more opportunity we're going to have to run into people who don't understand
55:09
what the journey that we're trying to go on for ourselves and that we're trying to make create a
55:14
space for other people can go on with us but that doesn't mean we give up on that person again i try to
55:22
um be loving and kind as much as i can i will not allow that and i say will not
55:29
because i still try to convince myself i will not it gets in my head but on those moments
55:34
when i start to go down those rabbit holes that we were talking about i said oh no no no i decided i will not
55:41
let this happen to me i'm only going to ask god if this person is even
55:47
have any moment of truth or any word or knowledge of truth maybe that i need to consider
55:53
but no i won't i will not so i fall short because i know i don't always
55:58
give everybody the space they need and i'm working on that praise god he helped me with that every day
56:04
and i don't get offended i keep saying that one day it'll actually happen and i
56:09
won't get offended but i i'm working really hard to not respond to that because i
56:16
want to be who god's created me to be and and you know you and i are different what that looks like is going to be
56:21
different but i hope you're praying for me because i'm praying for you because i want to be who god created me to be
56:28
that's it and and if it comes with things that i didn't have in mind then i want to be open and okay with that
56:35
and i want you to experience god and to be open okay with whatever he has for you
56:40
because at the end of the day it's the journey and i want to choose to be happy through my journey i want to
56:47
choose to have moments like i had this weekend although it's out of character for for
56:52
people and people have opinions about it and what you what you do and they want to scrutinize what you did or
56:58
what you didn't do or you know whatever i i just want to enjoy my life i want to pursue everything that god's called to
57:04
be and i want to share my wins for the purpose of other people to have some wins of
57:10
their own yeah so and i promise all of you i'm going to disappoint you i'm going to screw it up
57:16
and i'm probably going to offend you but i hopefully you can give me some grace but that's the desire of my heart i want
57:22
to be a woman of integrity and i'm still working on it yeah and that's that's been my experience of you um i
57:30
really appreciate um getting to have this conversation today i wasn't able i part of me felt like i
57:36
needed to talk about this before the podcast so that but i couldn't bring myself to it and so
57:42
maybe there was just some divine intervention if you will that set us up
57:47
how many weeks ago for us to be in this moment to where we could have this conversation in this space
57:54
it's been really helpful for me just to get it out and to speak about it and when we were talking about like the
58:00
truth hurting but the truth does set us free and i think when we all can get
58:07
to the truth the true truth of it all we all can exist as we do without you
58:14
know what i mean like we all can exist without harm harming one another because of
58:22
who we are um or how we are or whatever yeah but yeah we are right at
58:29
the end of our time i felt like it went really quick today really quick today
58:34
um so thanks everyone who did join us uh this week um we're here every week um
58:40
at 10 30 um pacific standard time we do go live on facebook youtube and twitch um and then we can also be
58:47
watched on those platforms any time after we do upload this to a podcast um in its raw unedited edited format at
58:54
this point in time um and you can follow us on instagram um we um come up right and just to be
59:02
like what our hope is i think um i was talking with someone who felt like
59:08
um they felt like they were coming to our podcast to learn about like fear like to tell them i don't know
59:15
to teach a class on fear or to teach a class even on integrity or
59:20
love and i think what we're trying to do here is to kind of model
59:26
um and facilitate a relationship with somebody who might on the outside be different than
59:32
yourself but how we can still have these really like important deep conversations with one
59:38
another even though we might have some things that we don't agree on and so i feel like we're trying to model
59:45
what this looks like rather than trying to um i guess teach somebody you know
59:51
hopefully people will be inspired or maybe feel like that there might be somebody in their life
59:57
that they can um you know try to be in relationship with in this way and and we're we're
1:00:02
learning as well like we're we're we're figuring it out as as we move along and we're not claiming
1:00:08
to be the experts in the matter um but we are
1:00:14
willing to um to i guess to share what our experience is as we um continue
1:00:22
on this journey of loving uh one another um and um i guess having splintered
1:00:30
grace amen all right so um we will uh see you all next week um
1:00:37
everybody we love you and goodbye see ya
1:00:44
splintered grace podcast is brought to you by a queer chaplain
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